Ugh...

First off I think I am abusing the fact that I have been abusing the fact that I have a public audience and I haven't really been returning the favor when it comes to expressing my feeling of other blogs.

Prepare yourself starting NOW...
Okay so I feel like I have major(ly) second guessing myself when it comes to everything and I mean everything. It is very depressing and I might be making myself sick mentally which might been affecting my physically health. As I am typing just thinking about my crap of a day today I am getting a headache and starting to tear up. I wish all these feelings could just go where the sun never shines. I really don't know what I want though well somethings I do, but... ugh ( 'o' ) I guess that tittle was quite appropriate. Anywho... yeah so you know that whole contemplation about seeing a counsular( rehtorical question. sorry about the question mark then I guess...)? Okay so I really want to do but I really really hate crying in front of people I think it is the looks I get like after the fact its okay... sort off like if you asked me straight up I would tell you, but I wouldn't just come out and say anything. Well accept for now. I HAD A MENTAL BREAK DOWN TODAY AND CRIED IN A BATHROOM STALL. Yep that was confession and it was kind of funny though because today someone was telling me that they had one yesterday. Mine wasn't nearlly as bad though thank something, but. Okay so I am crying again and I just feel so fake right now. I am annoying the hell out of myself right now too like rawr. Maybe it's because T.O.M. is over this week. *Gigantic sigh with a tear* this is not at all productive I need to look at a face right now. A face I know. A face that I am comfortable with. I want Lorreta. I want my toothpaste. I need something...

I am going to cry the rest of it out now so there wont be any repeats tomorrow.
I wish I had a fever so I wouldn't have to come to school tomorrow that isn't even the tip of m desperation for isolation.
I think I somehow just made myself even more depressed, but I found my answer... I'm not happy (unfortunately).

La fichue vie… vous avez mentie à moi.

About me being fake... I would rather not say that so lets just call it denial, which really doesn't sound any better but I am lying to myself everyone else sees what they want to see or just what I am showing them.

J'ai un mal de tête maintenant.

I have been doing so well to hide my true feelings since the middle of the eighth grade, but I think that my mind is just getting fet up with itself. I think think they midgt be throwing things at each other right now I just want to go t o sleep a deep long sleep or start living a life like Coraline before it goes bad. *BIGGER rawr* I feel like I am trying so hard, but I really don't know what I am trying for. What is waiting for me? I might be struggling against this wall that doesn't exist and because its not real there is nothing... woah. That didn't make any sense, so I am sorry or well not really because it kind of did its own way. I need to stop, but I don't want to. I wish I had the ability to ditch... or I could just go back to what I did in the fifth grade where I would make myself throw up in the morning so I could gain enogugh sympathy from my so I wouldn't have to go to school. I need to gage my desperation/ self pity meter.

I wish I was religious so I could have a god to cry out to.