tainted

i feel tainted 

not tainted in the sense that i have been hanging out with micheal phelps 

or in a way where i have stopped caring about capitalising i's

or using periods

but in a way that allows me to want to jump out a window that so i could be reminded that i am alive

that is a lie

i cannot even fall backward on my bed

i like the blogs i write in my head more they make me sound more tolerable

i have things to do

and this is mostly just a glorious act of procrastination

it might work 

most likely not

This Isn't Torture

What is a word that goes unresponded?

Unheard by any ear nor read by any eyes.

It's destined to float and never be understood or thought of.

Those words will go unknown and be added upon continuously.

They will always be waiting for you in back of my closet.

Anxiously ready to tell you  everything.

I have learned a thousands the honesty is the right, but still even now I choose to keep my secrets. Every now and then one will slip. However that is only every now and then. The rest the time my doors stay shut to everyone. I wish I could a person that I will never have to face again. So I can tell every deed, feeling, thought, a moment that has flown out of body and into that the closet that I love so dearly for existing. 

It cannot just anyone though. Because want know things for the sake of knowing things. Other want to know things because they you think want them to know things. Maybe I think this because that is who I am. Maybe not.. I should be cleaning my room right and putting things in my real closet. Even if I did meet that perfect person that fit every criteria I probably still wouldn't tell them everything.

I hope I get to see Coraline tomorrow I read the book today. It had a lot of insight and theories of people. I like books like that. The kind that make you think even after you have finished. It's the type of book that I could go back and read again. Actually that's is  a lie (probably) I can never read books twice not even the ones written by Rick Moody. That's is life though or at least a small part of mine. 

I was going to right some more but I should stop before that closet opens again. Might be time to fix that door. Or maybe let some of it come out before it all pours out. I haven't cried in while. Well in a week I think. If only general sadness could make me cry... ope nothing.

meow... 

...

You depress me

I hate you

Don't look at me anymore

Never share your opinion

...

You're my heaven

I love you anyway

Peer into my soul

Never leave me

...

I will never tell you any of this 

^_^ yep

Really?

My mind is basically a pile of mush right now so I cannot really say if I learned this today or yesterday, but I do know that I learned it on Current TV. 

What I thought: The United States helped out the most during World War II.

What I learned: The Soviet Union relieved the most concentration camps.

What I was surprised to find: The most Neo-Nazis can be found within Russia.

I was really was shocked to see this. Seeing it also made me beyond scared to go to Russia. I really can't even describe it right so I suggest watching this video. It scenically makes me sad that people are still dong this kind of stuff. Was there ever a time where there was a war? I was watching this other pod on Israeli and Arabic comedians and one of them was wearing this shirt that said "Fighting for peace is like f...ing for virginity" and whoever made that shirt was right because it really is like a oxy moron. I world without weapons would be amazing. Because without the fear of danger there wouldn't be the need for a false sense of protection. That will never happen though and I am rambling a again so watch the video and think a little.

Watch Me <---

The New Plan

Short Term Plan:

• Destroy the Mr. Men show and other terrible children shows like it. What ever happened to the shows like Tom and Jerry.
  
• Find something to get rid or my headache/backache.
• Make sure I don't have meningitis because my parents have been freaking me out.
• Find out where Coraline is being shown near me.

Long Term Plan:

• Go to college at the London School of Communication and major in photography.
• Survive
• Survive
• Survive

Santeria

Anyone who has heard that song will know what I am about to talk about right... now. Okay so that song is beyond awesome and it is the type of song that forces you to sing and dance no matter where you are. I would totally have someone play that song at my funeral because I want to follow my Grandma Dee's example with that. She isn't dead by the way but she has this supper elaborate plan for her funeral. Like she want an absurd amount of roses, to be dressed up really nice and my favorite to have the song 1999 by Prince to be play. I love my Grandma Dee she is the the wig wearing boyfriend having type of super sweet grandma. I love it and my other Grandma too. He last boyfriend road motorcycles and there is the cutest picture of them. I don't think she is with him anymore though so no more motorcycle rides I guess. Anyway that song and songs like it are awesome. Sublime's other songs are good too like Date Rape. Truly hilarious even though it shouldn't be but he got what he deserved I think power to that girl though. Doin' Time and Rivers of Babylon are good too. Well I am going to continue listening to his songs and then start writhing my essay on why colonization is good. I am trying to get into that mind frame first though. Ehhh wish me luck.... Au Revior.