Ugh...

First off I think I am abusing the fact that I have been abusing the fact that I have a public audience and I haven't really been returning the favor when it comes to expressing my feeling of other blogs.

Prepare yourself starting NOW...
Okay so I feel like I have major(ly) second guessing myself when it comes to everything and I mean everything. It is very depressing and I might be making myself sick mentally which might been affecting my physically health. As I am typing just thinking about my crap of a day today I am getting a headache and starting to tear up. I wish all these feelings could just go where the sun never shines. I really don't know what I want though well somethings I do, but... ugh ( 'o' ) I guess that tittle was quite appropriate. Anywho... yeah so you know that whole contemplation about seeing a counsular( rehtorical question. sorry about the question mark then I guess...)? Okay so I really want to do but I really really hate crying in front of people I think it is the looks I get like after the fact its okay... sort off like if you asked me straight up I would tell you, but I wouldn't just come out and say anything. Well accept for now. I HAD A MENTAL BREAK DOWN TODAY AND CRIED IN A BATHROOM STALL. Yep that was confession and it was kind of funny though because today someone was telling me that they had one yesterday. Mine wasn't nearlly as bad though thank something, but. Okay so I am crying again and I just feel so fake right now. I am annoying the hell out of myself right now too like rawr. Maybe it's because T.O.M. is over this week. *Gigantic sigh with a tear* this is not at all productive I need to look at a face right now. A face I know. A face that I am comfortable with. I want Lorreta. I want my toothpaste. I need something...

I am going to cry the rest of it out now so there wont be any repeats tomorrow.
I wish I had a fever so I wouldn't have to come to school tomorrow that isn't even the tip of m desperation for isolation.
I think I somehow just made myself even more depressed, but I found my answer... I'm not happy (unfortunately).

La fichue vie… vous avez mentie à moi.

About me being fake... I would rather not say that so lets just call it denial, which really doesn't sound any better but I am lying to myself everyone else sees what they want to see or just what I am showing them.

J'ai un mal de tête maintenant.

I have been doing so well to hide my true feelings since the middle of the eighth grade, but I think that my mind is just getting fet up with itself. I think think they midgt be throwing things at each other right now I just want to go t o sleep a deep long sleep or start living a life like Coraline before it goes bad. *BIGGER rawr* I feel like I am trying so hard, but I really don't know what I am trying for. What is waiting for me? I might be struggling against this wall that doesn't exist and because its not real there is nothing... woah. That didn't make any sense, so I am sorry or well not really because it kind of did its own way. I need to stop, but I don't want to. I wish I had the ability to ditch... or I could just go back to what I did in the fifth grade where I would make myself throw up in the morning so I could gain enogugh sympathy from my so I wouldn't have to go to school. I need to gage my desperation/ self pity meter.

I wish I was religious so I could have a god to cry out to.

During the Moment

Okay so i have come up with a blog concept and i will do it some time in the pm tomorrow so for now trust the fact that it will be done. bon soir et... sorry for the non caps i am laying down and using two fingers to type and my thumb for the space bar. cela ne fonctionne pas *sigh*.

Happy Birthday Powerpuff Girls

So today is the 10th anniversary for the Powerpuff Girls cartoon. My plan today is watcth the top 10 episodes with all of the weird villains that are on there. It is so weird to re-watch the shows that were on when I was a kid because I am looking at this and wonder what a I thought about all this when I was younger. Random note: I am happy that I can type without looking at the laptop screen because it makes it so much easier for me to multitask between enjoying my childhood and writing this blog. Thanks for teaching me how to type when I was in the sixth grade Mr. Nadey even though you kind of freaked me out back in the day. Okay so anyway the Powerpuff Girls taught me a lot like how boys don't have cooties and neither do we, cross dresser are part of the norm, its okay to have crushes as long as the are not the ones that use you, girls are just as tough if not tougher than boys and that you should love and protect everyone... oh and that to much candy is bad for you. This show is extremely weird and I love that they had a cross dresser as the evilest villain besides the Boogie Man. HIM was scary though like "it" would have this really creepy, light and echoey voice until he got mad and then it would be extremely deep. Fuzzy Lumpkins was freaky too in a cute and crazy kind of way but I think that I like the Amebo brothers best. I just have a special place in my heart for stupid cartoon characters; like Ed from the Lion King. The episode where Fuzzy Lumpkins becomes mayor is creepy too because he makes the already sexed up secretary named Ms. Bellem wear Daisy dukes and a busty crop top too. Did they ever show her face in any of the episodes? I think they were going to, but it was actually Seducesa dressing like Ms. Bellem. Anyway I love this show and sorry Mojo Jojo for not mentioning you I know that you are quite the evil genius. Oh and apparently they are making a new episode which is kind of disappointing I wouldn't mind just watching re-runs you know?

Falling Positively

Just about everything in my life is falling into to place there are a few missing pices to the puzzle but I plan on geting those back soon. I had a great time today that wasnt spoiled by anything and i learnd that honesty really is the way to go and that my parents are way more "chill" than i thought. I also got to get a lot of things off my chest and helped a few others as well. Life is good. BONJOUR LA VIE JE T'AIME BEAUCOUP!!!

Coudie Catcher

Making coudie catchers is the only fun thing for me today in Mr. Jacob's class most of the time. And that was exactly what I did again today only I used that paper that I was talking about in some other blog... but i really think that it is going to make it even better when it comes to looks but I must admit that it will probably be a little hard to read later. I have a lot on my mind and I haven't laughed full heartedly in a long time. I want to have a really huge laugh that brings me to tears. Normally I find these huge "har hars" to e very embarrassing, but right now it is exactly what I need.

Okay so as I speak my twenty-nine year old teacher/grown child named Mr. Thompson is going around messing with people's laptops just because he has a little remote. I was a target a few minutes ago and I could have sworn that I just killed my laptop so how. I'm pretty sure that Mr. Thompson is deeply in touch with his inner child.

Oh and this is just a little something something that could be a reminder to some and something new to others. This was a poem that Mr. Thompson wrote last year.

"My Name is Mr. Thompson
And a like to writes prompts on
The board"

Première Passion (1st Love)

I’m in love with the perfect moments that occur in my life. It is not often that we have something that can be seen as perfect in our own eyes, but when ever that moment does come it will always be remembered as vividly as the day it occurred. One deepest parts of my heart is saved for my best friend the toothpaste for my toothbrush. I met her on the first day of kindergarten when all of the new students were standing the blacktop with our parents. I stood there mesmerizing the playground that I would soon be able to play on, but at that moment I was being pressured to make some new friends. One thing I that I should let you know about me is when I was growing up I was like a “cat” that would clench on to my parents and hide my face from all the eyes that were trying to look at me. It seemed like whenever I was around them I didn't want anyone else. This little girl messed all that up for me when she cam bouncing down to where I was standing with my parents. Once she reached me she gave me a sincere and innocent salutations along with a request for me to be her friend. I don’t know what happened in my brain at that moment but whatever that feeling was caused stares and worried looks from the people surrounding us. After say “hello” and asking if I would be her friend water began to flow out of my eyes which caused the same to happen to her. Without really know the problem my parents and hers were trying to console us while trying to find out why we had started to cry. Both of our tears had stopped abruptly then and confused looks washed away all the feelings of sadness. Later on we decided that the reasons should be that her over excitedness scared me and that my tears made her cry our her guilt. We have stuck with that story for a while now, but I don’t think that we will ever know the real reason of those tears. By the end of that day we did end up becoming friends strangely enough.
Throughout our eleven years of friendship we have only one fight that also took place in kindergarten within the walls of that beautiful playground. The fight was simple and not all complicated when you get down to it was beyond the point of being moronic when I look back on it now. The dispute was over a game of tag or hide-n-go-seek. It was a game that included catching and running. There were five of us playing the game: me, Amanda, Hannah, Sarah, and Adam. Four of us decided to make it really hard for Amanda when it was her time to chase up somehow it came down to her being really frustrated enough so to make her begin to cry and our plan was blamed mainly on me because “I wasn’t being a good friend,” which Ms. Russnacks take on the situation. From this moment it seemed that one of us couldn’t cry without causing the other to cry as well because as if we were sharing the same feelings of sadness I started to tear up. Our conflict was resolved within the fifteen minutes of our playtime and that was also the day that I learned that she didn't like hugs.
I don’t think I was able to give her a hug until late in the sixth grade after finding out that she wouldn’t be going to Bret Harte anymore after that year. Life had prepared us for that moment of separation because even though we went to same elementary school together for all six years we had only had been in the same class for the first two. I think that was when I knew that this would be an everlasting friendship because even after not seeing her face to face for months as soon as we saw each other we would act like we had seen each other only moments before.
I will always love and cherish every moment that we have together including the times when I tore my pants walking to her house, the movies we have seen, the Twilight party, the first time we met, the graduations, the lame dances... saying that I love her doesn’t cover my feeling that I have for her and I hate to use hackneyed phrases to express my feelings for her so will end this by saying once again that she is my toothpaste for my toothbrush, the sun for my dial and the heaven for my tormented earth. Amanda is a whole lot of something if not my everything.

A Word in Progress

What about me?
Was I hard to figure out
or did you know you'd get it without a doubt?
Well I am sorry for the strain I caused
but do you know the mental pain you've caused?
How many times I was found frutstrated at thought that you hated...
me.
I didn't know think then, but I do now.
Unfortunately though that future doesn't include you.
But don't worry you know because one day you will grow

Inspiration was what you were to me
Sadly not what you are to me.


I just got the need to express myself in a better way than complaining to my sister. This made me feel a little special.